Did you know that Abraham Lincoln and Charles Darwin were born on the EXACT same day. Two men both altering the course of history, both so well known that all is needed is a last name to know exactly who is implied, on the same day. I mean, really, what are the odds? Well, wikipedia doesn’t have those statistics posted, and much to my biostats professor’s dismay I don’t even know where to start to calculate that, I mean I know that it only takes 22 people for 2 of them to share the same birthday so that’s not very high, but two people that famous, well that’s pretty unlikely. I can tell you that statistically a cyclist can expect a minor accident/injury every 3 years and a more serious one every 15. So I figure I’m good to go for a while now, I told this to DF and he told me I can’t live my life on statistics. Which is true but at the same time statistics are like stereotypes they’re not always true, but some of them are and are based on something. So while statistically I should be good at least until 2025, I’m not going to be tempting fate either and ride in the middle of the street, or dash through red lights, or spit on car windows (even if the driver deserves it), at least not for a while. 

Yesterday was another day of firsts, it was the first day that I felt antsy to get out and ride, not antsy anxious, but antsy so much that I’m starting to look at mountain trails and see what openings I have in my schedule this week. I’m even starting to take the first step of buying a new bike and going into the shop that I work at for a proper bike fit, instead of just saying “oh maybe next week I’ll get to it.” I’m even going to bring my road bike in to see if there is anyway it can be salvaged to be at least somewhat functional, not race functional but let me go to the store at a slow pace functional. 

The only problem is that I have this sudden desire to just grab my mountain bike and go to some random woods (no mom, not completely random, I will not be calling for directions . . . again) and find some single track or double track. Unfortunately my car, which I would be using to transport my bike away from the crazy Worcester roads is in the shop because some masshole decided it would be a good idea to run into the back of my car and take out my bike rack. I swear these people out here have something against bikes, and all things related.

So I’m going to try and go out tomorrow after I pick my car up, which is ironic because it would be my first ride on the east coast since the accident and it’s also the first day of court proceedings. I’m not sure where the new found motivation to go out is coming from, maybe it’s the nice weather, or the fact that I had a complete break down on Friday and my mind realizes it might be the only way to stay sane until graduation . . .I’m not sure, but I don’t hate it.


As far as read goes I read “Cycling Philosophy for Everyone: A Tour de Force” which has seemed to jump on the band wagon of calling everything Tour de _______ (cleverly fill in the blank to replace France and BAM you have a cycling hit!) The book talks about the ways philosophy, culture, and existential experiences arise when human energy is propelling two wheels. It encompasses a lot though, Lennard Zinn, Greg LeMond, and Lance Armstrong (and if you only know 1 of those names you are propably in line with the majority of Americans, and by default I’m sure you can figure out what the other 2 do if you know Lance). It touches on kinesiology, literature, political aspects, issues woman face in the industry, so a nice introductory book into our next focus of the course, which is cycling. It also means that after this book I get to pick the reading for the remainder of the semester! Harry Potter?!?? I’m sure we can work that in! Ha


Actually I went to the book store the other day and scaled their stands for bicycling related books. There are plenty of training bibles and books that promise you the ability to “climb like Lance” but not a lot of books that talk about other aspects of riding than just training. Training is very important, but I can’t exactly keep a training diary and have that count as class credit, that would be pushing the envelop a little much. . . whomp whomp.

Does this look like a professional sufer to you?

I scanned the sports related reading to see what else I could find. I ran across “Soul Surfer” which has nothing to do with bicycling, but it’s about this girl who has hopes of becoming a professional surfer when (spoiler alert!) her arm gets bit off by a shark. I figure it was relevant becasue she also went through a random attack for no rhyme or reason and it has significantly altered her life and (momentarily) derailed her plans. It’s a quick read, I read it all on one of my long rides in the gym. I can only imagine what other people at the gym think of me because the other day I was watching a stand up comedian and could not stop laughing, he was hilarious (in case you’re wondering his name is Daniel Tosh, youtube him, you will not be disappointed). And then I bring this book in and in some places I’m moved to tears, literally pedaling with tears streaming down my cheeks. Maybe they thought I was so upset with how slow I was riding (in my defense it was a long recovery ride, HR below 130) but no, it was not because of the ride. It was really hard to read when she talks about her parents and how much they have supported her and how strong they were through it all, it reminded me of my parents and how many years I have taken off their lives because of the stress I have put on them. . .not great. . . It’s a great read though and the movie is coming out soon so I’ll put that on my syllabus! 

Does this look like a rider?

 The other book I got, just so DF wouldn’t think I was slacking, was a random grab, and I only followed through with the purchase after seeing the cover because it was under 10 and figure it couldn’t hurt. The name is “Heft on Wheels” and this guys wasn’t kidding. When he first started biking he was close to 280 (and I complain about having to carry 145 pounds up a hill, I can only imagine), smoking a pack a day (sometimes 2) and a raging alcoholic (which once you’re out of college that’s what it’s called when you drink to get drunk 3+ nights a week). But this guy has so much motivation to prove himself he can do it, and he does. He transforms his diet, stops smoking and drinking and starts biking. Simple, right? Not exactly he does have a relapse at Red Lobster one night. Those cheesy biscuits get me too, so that’s understandable. But the more miles he does the more his body and soul get transformed. Even the way he treats people drastically changes for the better, he has a completely new outlook on everything. At first I just thought it would be a nice little read, something I could talk to DF about motivation, drive, transformation, maybe be able to bring in some psychology aspects, nothing much, then I read the first chapter. It starts with him a year after he gets on the bike, he’s on a group ride, one that he used to get his ass kicked on and now he’s the one leading it. He’s about 50 feet in front of the next rider when a truck hits him, by a driver who wasn’t able to get a license for the past 10 years due to driving issues. From there it goes back and starts at the beginning of his riding days and works its way back up to the accident. Now I can’t tell you how he recovers from the accident as I haven’t gotten to that but I will keep you informed. My guess is he lives, as he goes on to write the book, but life is full of surprises so I don’t put all my eggs in one basket.

Greatness is defined by “a concept of a state of superiority affecting a person, object or place. Greatness can also be referred to individuals who posses a mere natural ability to be better than all others.” This is from Wikipedia, and I’m told it’s not the best place to cite but it seems to get the point across enough. Since last Wednesday the word greatness has been rolling around in my brain, which is a long time for one thought to be there (let me tell you.) When I was meeting with DF the other day I threw out the word (BIG mistake) and what it means to be great at something. He told me you can’t be great at something without comparing yourself to others. I countered his thought with the fact that on your own spectrum you could be great at something. He countered that with saying it just meant that you were more connected to something not necessarily great at it. But if you were great at something, that would imply you would be better at it than someone else. (Fighting with someone with a PhD seems to be a lost cause).

If I told you I won 100% of my races I ran in track my senior year, you would think I’m a great runner right? That’s not a fabrication, I did win all of them. But I wasn’t a great runner, I only ran one race that season before I got injured, and I only beat 4 girls. But I was great runner compared to those girls. If everything is all relative, can’t we all theoretically be great at everything and nothing at the same time.
See this is why I’m not a fan of the philosophical side of psychology, you go around and around and never really come out on an answer, no wonder the field is filled with crazies.

So while I contemplate being great on my next ride. Yes, if you read that right it should be clicking right now that the previous sentence would be implying I had a first ride. I did in fact take my first ride. See it happened completely spur of the moment which took out actually planning, pumping up the tires, checking the chain, filling water bottles, clipping it. . .So there I was without a car in God-forsaken Wyoming. And I needed to find my friend Heidi, because well I had wandered off. I jumped on a bike (don’t worry I asked first and even remembered to lock it when I was done). As I’m riding around Laramie in the dark (I know what you’re thinking because I heard my mother as I was riding saying ‘Are you crazy , really, are you crazy, you got hit by a car and now you’re riding your bike around in the dark. How is my child lacking so much common sense’ but you’re forgetting, I said I was in Wyoming, no one lives there, so there are no cars! I was riding around with no handlebars, because the bike was a little big and uncomfortable to stretch that far (I know I have come very far with my balance from the days where I would trip over a line) I couldn’t help but wonder how it took so long for me to ride, because this is the BEST thing ever. Seriously. Get on a bike and try to be angry, or sad, or miserable. It’s Impossible, like licking your elbow. Although I have met one person who could do that.

Switching gears, (hahaha, get it?) my dad called me the other morning and started the conversation with the following statement: “The State Attorney’s office called me last night, do you know what you were doing January 22 . . .? Oh dear lord, I was still home, but all my friends were gone at that point so clearly I couldn’t have been doing anything that bad, it shouldn’t have involved the police in anyway and then after a long enough pause he added “1998” 1998?!? I was what all of 9 years old? “Um, dad I was 9, I have no idea” No way is he trying to be nostalgic with the state attorney’s office being involved. No. Apparently at that time I had witnessed a guy peeing in public, which I don’t even remember this happening. He was charged with exposure and never showed up for his court date. They put a bench warrant out but really when you gotta go, you gotta go so they didn’t actively pursue it. The other night he felt guilty enough that after 13 years he decided to turn himself in. My dad just wanted to let me know that while the justice system may be slow, there is always justice. Which was not comforting in the slightest bit, but I know the intention was there.

Now switching gears one more time.

Over break I had to watch the movie 127 hours, I know, you wish you had that kind of homework too, and I’m telling you, you should be jealous. There is a part where he says that his whole life this boulder (spoiler alert!) has been waiting to trap his arm. Everything he has done up until this point has led him to this moment. The rock has been sitting there waiting for him to come along. (This is the part where psychology gets weird) Which has made me think a lot. I’ve had some pretty heavy stuff happen at college before I got hit, and each time I have questioned the path that I’m on, and always felt that while it might not be exactly where I want or the direction that I thought, it seemed like it was enough and that altering the course would cause too much destruction and chaos to make it ultimately worth it. Every time I had the opportunity to jump the tracks I turned it down, out of the security of staying and the fear of going. So it seems like each time I opted to continue down the ‘simple path‘ I became one minute closer to getting hit, one minute closer to finally reaching the tipping point that allowed me to say enough was enough and finally put in changes that had been long over due. It hasn’t been easy, I feel like damaged goods almost and the aftermath of how people view me isn’t exactly ideal either. Rather than seeing me for all I could be worth, it’s easier to see how damaged I have become. But like I said earlier, psychology is a soft science. It’s all speculation. And it’s just as easy to say I was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The last time I posted I finished with talking about how I at least have one good leg to stand on, which was pretty convenient because the next book I read was A Leg to Stand On by Oliver Sacks. Sacks was hiking one day and ran into a bull, and in his attempt to get away he basically fell down a large drop and destroyed his leg. Tendons ripped, ligaments shredded and his knee only bent backwards (Not great). He goes on to talk about his stay in the hospital and his recovery. As a neurologist himself he was finally able to identify with his patients and see it from the other side. The injury itself actually ended up provoking him to alter his research into the disassociation with a limb after surgery, like the one he experience. After his surgery when he woke up for some time he had no feeling or connection with his leg. Which I can attest it is a cool phenomenon, but only when it’s not happening to you. He makes a full recovery (relatively) and towards the end of the book a friend writes him suggesting that this was all part of his destiny, a destiny he had no control over but came out of it for the better. The gives me hope, especially since everyday I get further away from the day of the crash. And closer to some closure, minus the fact the guy skipped out on his last court date, but with a warrant out for his arrest maybe now he’ll actually get some jail time as that’s pretty frowned upon in the judicial system (or so I’m told). 

As part of my “destiny” it just wasn’t in the cards to get on the bike before spring break. The weather was pretty crummy and it’s not that I wouldn’t have gone out if it was absolutely pressing but having my first time back being filled with curse words because of the bloody wind isn’t exactly how I want to start off, again. It’s not that I want this completely euphoric ride either, if it’s absolutely mundane I will take that, I just want at least some uncontrollable factors to be at least favorable. I’m just looking at it that it’s the first ride of the spring, most riders I talk to haven’t even been out yet because the winter has been so atrocious, so yah.

The last class I had before I skipped town for spring break the professor asked if anyone remembered the first time they put trust in riding a bike without training wheels. I’m not even sure what the question was pertinent to because at that point I stopped listening to think about the first time I rode without training wheels. Unlike my sister, who had my mom run over one of her training wheels, mine was by choice. It was at daycare with Suzie. It was a rush. One of those things you don’t think you can do and then you just do it and you’re like holy crap, I am the coolest person ever. Which is exactly what went through my 3 year old brain. I was so ecstatic that when I got home with my parents I had to show them, but  I’m not sure that they had full confidence in a crazy 3 year old with a blond fro and 25 pounds sopping wet. They didn’t let me ride in the street (which was probably a good move as we live on a hill) and instead made me go on the back patio (which I’m not sure was a better choice due to the stairs) but due to my impressive handling skills I was able to make the sharp corners. Since then I can remember obsessing about getting my older brother to let me ride his “big” bike with no kick stand. Hardcore. It makes sense now as I still ride one of his hand-me-downs, with no kickstand (not the same one had when he was 6, don’t worry). For some reason the fact that it was fitted for someone who is 6’4″ doesn’t detour me, as in my mind I’m taller than I am in real life. So at least some things never change. 

 I was talking to my strength coach for volleyball about altering our lift program to fit more to cycling and he talked about growing up and saving his money to buy a bike so his parents could no longer restrict him like  when they had to drive him around. He remember the freedom he felt and how cool he thought he was. Everyone seems to have a pure bike moment, when they were able to taste freedom for the first time. 

The plane ride from Boston actually got me thinking, see the guy next to me decided to would be an opportune time to eat a Tuna fish sandwich, which triggered my motion sickness for the first time in years. See, when I was a kid I would get it really bad, so bad that there are family vacation pictures where all I have on is a really long shirt. My parents would pack extra clothing even for an hour trip and I could easily acquire the front seat with a few gag reflexes (Yes, Frank I was faking a couple of times). But through out the years I’ve pretty much grown out of it, but I still take precautions, like not eating before I fly and checking to make sure there is a “motion discomfort bag” in the seat pocket. Even now my anxiety about biking and being around cars has decreased, comparatively but I know that it will probably flare up at inopportune times but I can prepare for that. Eventually it will just become a memory that isn’t associated with an increased heart rate and sweat palms. But until then I’ll carry a couple of extra napkins to wipe the perspiration and get on with my life.

-K

In my meeting with DF this week I read A Psychology of Being, by Maslow which was okay, I wouldn’t recommend it as a fun read, and I don’t see Oprah adding it to her book list anytime soon, but he brings up some valid points. We talked a lot about what  my motivating forces are, because with running they are very different from biking. After my leg injury I’ve been able to run for a few months but still haven’t really gotten into it. Probably because I look like Quasimodo trying to run.  My family and friends talked me into signing up for a half marathon, and a full marathon. Now I have a reason to get back to running, and it’s a great cross training for biking. But with biking something else is driving me, something internal, but I still haven’t figured out what exactly. I’ll let you know when I do. 

We also talked about the time that I’m devoting to a hobby that I don’t exactly have. I mean I say I’m a biker, but how long can you go without actually riding a bike to still be considered a biker? It’s like having a baseball team but without a pitcher, you can only do so much.  I keep pretending that any day I’m going to get back on the bike so I need to stay ready. Which I am. I’m doing an internship at a bike shop for class credit. And I even got a job, because well all this down time has lead me to finding multiple bikes that I want, so I need a way to support my hobby, as soon as I take it up again.

But I finally figured out why I’m not riding and now I’m able to face it and take it head on, okay well hopefully not head on, because I did just buy a new helmet and would rather not get another concussion. Yes, you read that right I finally went to the bike shop and got one. Well it was more of after my internship at the bike shop I had them help me pick one out. And while they’re not paying me, they do give me the employee discount, so basically I will end up paying them for letting me work there. It really wasn’t as complicated as I thought it would be. There was one helmet the S-Works Prevail which is currently the BEST helmet on the market for $230 (no mom and dad I did not get that one, so you can breathe) it’s the lightest at 200 grams and the most aero-dynamic, tested in the MIT water tanks, which is great and I’m sure it’s super aero as long as someones face isn’t in it breaking the wind. So in the end I went with the Specialized Propero, it’s about 80 grams heavier, but I could just not eat breakfast and get that weight back, so I’m not too worried. I got it because: it has a visor, which is detachable, a place for my pony-tail, and there was a big sticker on the front that said “Now with Reflectivity” meaning no car will miss me now! 

So that’s where I’m at now- I was planning on going out biking this weekend, but clearly God had other plans as there is too much snow for any trails to really be in good working condition. So maybe hopefully Tuesday or Wednesday before I head to Colorado for spring break. 

Part of the Maslow book is talking about the spectrum of safety to growth as a person. “An assured safety permits higher needs and impulses to emerge and grow.” I interpret this as given the option I would have chosen not to get hit by a car but unfortunately life doesn’t come with a yes or no option (wouldn’t it be cool if it did?), I didn’t have a choice. Much like parents who want their children to leave the nest, getting hit by a car kicked me out of my safe cocoon and shouted “HAVE FUN! TRY AND LAND ON YOUR FEET.” According to Maslow I’m in the period of “growth” which he says that the period of growth is just as important as the end product. I told DF this, and he said maybe I should thank the guy who hit me because I get to realize all these things that would have taken me a lot longer to figure out. I said, “Let’s not get carried away and the only time I might think about thanking him is when he hands me a check.”
Acknowledging that I’m in this period of growth doesn’t exactly make me feel better about falling through the air and hoping to land on my feet, but at least I have one good leg to land on. Ha
 
 K

So I decided to start a blog, not so much because I think it’s time to enter the 21st century, because if I did I probably wouldn’t have a cell phone that’s 6 years old. But more for others to be able to keep track of my progress and so that I’ll have some written form of what I’ve gone through. Not to mention I might be able to pull this off and get class credit for it. Bonus!